It's not me, it's you

Amazon has long been a friend of mine. It rescued me from despair when channel 9 cut West Wing off at the knees, in gave me Curb your Enthusiasm, Arrested Development and Northern Exposure in pristine DVD shrink wrapped heaven. It sent me books on Woody Allen, Davids Lynch and Cronenberg and yes, yes, the Muppet Show box set.

Why oh why has everything now gone terribly wrong?
I trundled over there this morning to Ramona’s Store (a store? just for me? you do love my visa card don’t you!) to see what new recommendations have come up. What I saw turned my blood cold. That chill you get when you know a relationship is coming to an end. And you know you are the one that is going to pull the pin.

As Good as it Gets (recommended to you because you said you own Lost in Translation)
Girl with a Pearl Earring (recommended to you because you said you own Lost in Translation)
Before Sunrise (recommended to you because you said you own Lost in Translation)
The Last Samurai (recommended to you because you said you own Lost in Translation)
Lord of The Rings (recommended to you because you said you own Lost in Translation)

Is this your way of telling me you don’t love me anymore? You really know how to hurt a girl don’t you?

First of all. I NEVER said that I owned Lost in Translation. I saw it once at the cinema and was so bored I think I may have nodded off at one point. Every single scene was between 45 seconds to 2 minutes too long. Over an hour and a half that starts to add up. I came out surprised it was still daylight.

Lost in Translation was like water torture. Only made worse by the fact that everyone else on the planet though it was the work of genius. I wanted to hunt that Coppola girl down and give her a slap. That’s alright; I hear that her latest self indulgence Marie Antoinette was booed at Cannes…oh how the pretentious have fallen.

The last scene of Lost in Translation was very good for two reasons 1) we could not hear what either insipid character was saying and 2) it was the end of the film.

So no Mr Amazon I do not and have never claimed to own Lost in Translation.

Therefore

As Good As it Gets was a nasty piece of work that was dressed up as feel good chick flick. It made women of ALL ages feel crap about themselves not just the usual 30-45 age group. I guess maybe that was a good thing. Grandmothers could be depressed with granddaughters for once. Helluva way to bring generations of women together.

Girl with a Pearl Earring. I didn’t see it. I can’t watch Scarlett Johansson in anything (can you tell?) except Ghostworld. She relishes her role as object. I don’t need to pay money to see that. Yes she is beautiful, but you know what? Most actresses are. It’s part of their job. Big deal. I love looking at beautiful things as much as the next person. She can’t act. That’s what I have a problem with.

I will never forgive anyone who had anything to do with the abomination that was Love Actually (one day I will unleash my fury on that film, but not today). So now Colin Firth is of the list too.

Before Sunrise is rediculous. I suspect it is for very young women who are still optimistically thinking that men will say what they mean, keep promises and be excellent kissers. I'm sure it helps if the girls men are with are complete strangers they will never see again. That is until the sequel...

The Last Samurai has Tom Cruise in it. Enough said.

Bored of the Rings. Enough said.

So I went into my Amazon profile an unchecked the box next to Lost in Translation.
I refreshed my recommendations. And all was forgiven.

Syriana
Justice League – series 2
Firefly
Band of Brothers
The Unbelievable Truth

Hold up. Wait a sec. they’ve released the entire Hal Hartley back catalogue on DVD???

Where is my visa card!
I heart Amazon