x marks the spot

XMEN: The last Stand

I wasn’t expecting anything and I got a little bit more than I’d hoped for. Maybe it was because it was Friday night and I’d had a bad week. A guy I liked rejected me, friends stood me up and I got a toothache. I was grumpy and I needed an escape route. So I bundled my crew into the sirion to go see XMen 3. I found myself kinda sorta enjoying it. But in the same way I enjoyed the jumbo box of popcorn that came in with us, great at the time but made me a mite queasy for nutrition later.

Let’s start with what I did like about the film. A big thank you goes out to the costume designer who decided that Wolverine needed to be in a singlet for most of the picture. As you can see this was an excellent choice. As my friend Beck said “It’s porn you can take kids to!” how right she was. Hugh Jackman literally makes me weak at the knees so it’s just as well I’m always in a cinema when I see him. There is talk of a solo Wolverine film which, depending on the director, is something to look forward to.

Ah now. The Director.

Our comic book lovin’ hearts collectively cracked when we heard that Bryan Singer had abandoned the Xmen franchise for the much greener pastures of Superman. I for one was so conflicted! I understood his decision but how could he walk away from what he had started?
Then the unthinkable happened. They hired Brett “I need another explosion after that sexist one liner!” Ratner. We all knew the film was going to hell in a hand basket. Ratner is responsible for such abominations as Rush Hour (1,2,3 and now 4!), After The Sunset and a slew of Mariah Carey and Madonna videos. My God there was no hope.

Other problem was Halle Berry. Not much chop in the first two and on the strength of Monsters Ball and the gold statuette that came with it (yawn yawn yawn) was able to demand her part be pumped up along with her cleavage and hair. Not to worry, she still came out of it looking daft. What we really wanted was more Rebecca Romijn as Mystique whose part was downgraded for no good reason!

We did get plenty more Famke Janssen who my mate Michael reckons is the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Fair enough too, she is lovely. Her Pheonix is a great tragic figure and she gives it a really dignified edge that was not in the script. When she implores Wolverine to kill her it is genuinely shocking. I don’t understand why we don’t see this actress more.

In Ratners defense he does do a great action sequence and some of them zing along at a terrific pace. But there is far too many of them and you get tired pretty quickly with all the rushing around. Some of them are cringe worthy. I don’t think Magneto really had to move the Golden Gate Bridge just to get to Alcatraz Island, it was excessive even for him.

What did I hate about the film? The music was awful, Halle Berry, dumb one liners, awkward crowd scenes (the worst extras I’ve ever seen on screen) and weak plot devices, weird extra characters that literally have nothing to do. The kid with wings was nice, but really did we need such an obvious link to the neXt generation of the franchise? And my very smart daughter aged 11 said “Why are all the bad guys dressed like Goths?” good freaking point.

I do think that we ask way too much of these comic book adaptations. I know Xmen is meant to be a great analogy of current events (gay rights, genetic testing, stem cell research, tyrannical governments) but really we are so far gone this in not the time for analogy, metaphor or fable. We need to face those things head on in super obvious ways, not through Patrick Stewart levitating out of his wheelchair.

Many of us grew up, continue, to read comic books and we rip films like XMen 3 to shreds because they don’t live up to our exacting standards. The dread we all feel knowing Nicholas Cage has done Ghost Rider, the pain of Tank Girl, Judge Dredd, Fantastic 4. Nothing can live up to the experience we had when entering these worlds through the magic of pen and ink. Unfortunately you get some great adaptations like Sin City and Batman Returns which just highlight how bad the others are.

So yes it’s a bad film. Nowhere near as interesting as the first two. Yes it is shallow, loud and kind of obnoxious. But what do you want for a 200 million dollar film that was built to make money out of happy meal toys and supersize me coke and popcorn combos? If it costs that much they’ve got to make it back. It’s junk food not high art.

We’ll get over it pretty quickly. Superman lands in our laps soon, and Bryan Singer will have us back in our happy place again.