cruisin for a bruisin

You know I’m pretty easy to please. Gimme a big screen, fill it with good lookin’ people doing fancy things, a fat soundtrack and a wiz plot and I’m there opening weekend. So it was no surprise that this past Saturday night I dragged my long suffering movie buddy Michael to Mission Impossible 3.

Now Michael has been pretty patient with me over the years. He sat through Saw because I told him it was going to be great (how wrong I was) he missed Kinsey because I hate Liam Neeson so would always find something better to go see, and last year he suffered through the relentless War of The Worlds (Spielberg, so we had to go).

Mind you he did force me to see every Bored of the Rings and the dull as dishwater King Kong not to mention countless Japanese horror movies so I guess we’re even.

Why did I think Mission Impossible 3 would be good? I can’t quite tell you.

I must admit Tom was not the only problem. But he was one of them that’s for sure…

Problem 5: Tom. It’s very easy to hate Tom Cruise, almost too easy and I wasn’t prepared to write him off just because he jumped on Oprah’s couch or called Brooke Shields a drug peddler. These things are just embarrassing and seem to be symptomatic of a middle aged man with too much money and ego having a crisis despite ‘having it all’. That kind of stuff doesn’t really bother me too much. He’s a dickhead, I think we all know that. In fact in a recent survey Americans said they would prefer to go camping with Saddam Hussein than Tom Cruise.

I have no problem with bad actors being stars. I think actors and superstars are two different things. Not that you can’t be both but that’s kind of rare. In fact I’m trying to name some real superstars who are better than good and to be honest with you it’s a struggle. They just don’t need to be. Why bother if you’re still getting paid 20 million a picture?

But they do need to be likeable. Cruise is just a nasty piece of work. This is now emanating from every pore like a foul stench of corruption and scientology- induced psychosis. You can never for one minute believe in the character of Ethan Hunt. It is just a two hour commercial for Brand Cruise. And I aint buying.

Problem 4: Precedent. The TV series was supercool. The first film was half decent. In fact the first 40 minutes are so well crafted they are always worth a rewatch when it comes on tv. The stunts were great (remember the fishtank?) and it did everything a film like Mission Impossible is meant to do, it entertained. The second one was pretty nuts, but worth it for the Woo factor.

40 minutes into MI3 I was ready for a nap.

I don’t know if you can make action films this dumb anymore. It will be interesting to see how the new Bond fares. I think the Bourne Identity and Supremacy have set a new standard in the genre. They were smart and thrilling all at once. Is that too much to ask for?

Problem 3: Co stars. I never thought I’d say it but Phillip Seymour Hoffman was terrible. Lawrence Fishburne was terrible. I hope the paychecks were worth it. Of course I’ll forgive them, it’s not like they had much to work with. The girls were utterly forgettable, so much so I can’t even be bothered talking about them. Jonathan Rhys Myers is always terrible – you can bet money on that.

Problem 2: Soundtrack. My c.d collection is 75% movie soundtracks. I will not be buying this one. We heard the fantastic theme music once. Composer Michael Giacchino is all full of bluster and brass. No good. He is also behind most of the cheesy music in Alias, which explains why this hack was hired in the first place.

Problem 1: JJ Abrams. The most overrated director working today. The so-called genius behind Lost, Felicity and Alias. In fact the best way to describe MI3 - a double episode of Alias. Lots of costume changes, implausible plot devices, lots of running, starting the film at the end. Diabolical baddies, double crossing goodies, even the goofy tech guy who saves the day.

Not one orginal idea in the whole mess.

Abrams was hand picked by Cruise whom I guess is now such a control freak he virtually directed the film – I have never seen so many close ups of Tom Cruise in two hours. It was making me queezy.

This is not to say great directors can’t come from tv – hey if you’d given this to Joss Whedon (lovely genius…did you know he’s doing Wonderwoman- thank the lord!) then at least the jokes would have been funny.

So that’s it. No more Tom Cruise for me. I’ll try and forget Taps, Born on The Fourth of July, Magnolia, The Color of Money and Collateral. I will always remember Mission Impossible 3.

I want my money back so I can go buy a ‘Free Katie’ t-shirt.