Ladies Night

In one of my many late night viewing marathons I stumbled across one of the great films by Sydney Pollack ‘They Shoot Horses Don’t They?’ (1969) starring Jane Fonda. It’s a heartbreaking film that I’d love to talk about at some later date (come on, can’t I save Pollack for another day?)

I got to thinking what happened to all the great gals like Jane who use to be in these movies? They were everwhere for a while and then they just seemed to dissapear. Sure Ann Bancroft pops up in G.I Jane and Shirley McLaine still crazies up the screen on occasion and my love of Lily Tomlin knows no bounds. But there were a couple of really great dames who just faded away. And I miss them!

We get ourselves all excited these days when actresses make intelligent choices. What else can explain the hoo haa over the truly awful Rachel Weisz getting showered with award after award for her ponderous role in The Constant Gardener? Or the excitement when blonde goddess Charlize Theron fuglies up for Monster and North Country?

Let’s give Nicole Kidman an Oscar for wearing a fake nose and throw one in for Gwyneth Paltrow pretending she’s a boy. It's as if all they have to do is stop smiling and people now call that acting.

Ah yes I’m pretty fired up about this one. I just wanted to remind you all of some of what came before, maybe then you’ll understand why I’m so scathing of this current crop of so called ‘serious’ actresses…

Ellen Burstyn. When Ellen was nominated for an Oscar in 2001 for her amazing role in the brilliant Darren Aranofsky film 'Requiem for a Dream' no-one seemed more surprised than her. She made so many astoundingly good films in the seventies and early eighties and then slipped quietly into made-for -tv hell seemingly never to return.

She was the wonderful single mother in The Exorcist (1973) was the title role in Scorcese's almost forgotten Alice Doesn’t live here Anymore (1974) and starred in one of my favorites Same Time Next Year (1978) with my first great love Alan Alda. Her career seems to have had a new lease on life. She has four films out this year including Aranofsky's next masterpiece The Fountain.

Jill Clayburgh was hot. She was like a Diane Keaton crossed with Cameron Diaz. Her most obvious stand out role was in Neil Simon's The Goodbye Girl but really take your pick. Portnoys Complaint (1972), Unmarried Woman (1978) It’s My Turn (1980). Jennifer Aniston only dreams about being that good (hang on do goldfish dream?).

Now we get Clayburgh doing guest spots on Nip/Tuck.

Christ I hate Hollywood sometimes.

Terri Garr. You can forget Farrah Fawcett, you can have your Goldie Hawn, Terri Garr will always be my favorite of the blonde airheads. Like all good dumb blondes she wasn’t dumb at all, in fact she was the sharpest tool in the shed.

You only have to watch here in the Mel Brooks classic YoungFrankenstein (1974), whooping it up with Gene Wilder to know that. Perfectly cast as Phoebe's mother in Friends because surely the baton of smart dumb blonde has been deftly passed to Lisa Kudrow.

JoBeth Williams. Yes I have a special place in my heart just for Jobeth. And not for the reason you are all assuming. Yes I love Poltergeist – absolutely no surprises there, of course I loved her as the freaking out mom who couldn’t deal with coming home and seeing the furniture rearranged by unseen forces.

But my all time favorite was a zany romantic comedy with Tom Conti called American Dreamer. Jobeth played a bored housewife/writer who dreamt of living in France and being her fictional character international spy Rebecca Ryan. Predictably she gets a knock on the head and is convinced she is in fact Ms Ryan and heads off to Paris on a secret mission. It’s ridiculous, joyous and innocent. I loved it when I was 13 and I love it now.

Other women I miss and love

Mary Tyler Moore (watch Ordinary People and you’ll know why)
Jane Fonda (ignore Monster in Law and watch the China Syndrome)
Sally Field (Norma Rae – makes North Country look like a walk in the park).
Shelley Duvall (rewatch The Shining. Kubrick apparently treated her like crap and Jack was more method than he should have been. Duvall gave one of the best freaked out performances ever)
Kathleen Turner (hot stuff, always will be)

Ok. I will concede there are some good ones out there right now

Laura Linney (for Mystic River, The Squid and The Whale)
Naomi Watts (you know I can’t stand her, but…21 Grams, I Heart Huckabees, Mulholland Drive… say no more but someone please give her a sandwich)
Hilary Swank (Million Dollar Baby, devastating)
Toni Colette (for Japanese Story, the Sixth Sense)
Julianne Moore (Kidman stole her Oscar for the Hours)
Jodie Foster (for Clarice and all the rest)
Maggie Gyllenhaal (funny, smart, beautiful, brave)
Parker Posey (self deprecating, so New York, always sharp)

But you can keep

Cate Blanchett (so boring, so earnest. So private school girl prissy)
Kate Winslet (so beautiful but such a bad bad actress. Shame really)
Rachel Griffiths (you’re good are you? Prove it!)
Charlize Theron (yes alright you are beautiful and you can act…why am I bored then?)
Rachel Weisz (one word for ya… Constantine)
Chloe Sevigny (overrated and undernourished)
Radha Mitchell (no good. How many years can you be the next big thing?)
Scarlet Johansson (the worst, and I mean this, the very worst actress working today. Do not get me started).

NO I haven’t mentioned the very serious Streep, Sarandon, McDormand, Hunter, Swinton or Foster – another time… because lets face it women who can go by surname only deserve their own entry.

NO I haven’t mentioned the not so serious Cameron Diaz, Ashley Judd, Christina Applegate, Selma Blair, Drew Barrymore, Natalie Portman, Sarah Polley, Julia Stiles, Claire Danes. But one day I will…